Chick-fil-a Double Down
“Nick, why do you do this to yourself?”
“Well, Andy… I don’t know.”
What I also don’t know is why someone would get a double down from Chick fil A. Now, most acknowledge the double down to consist of two chicken breasts, bacon, choice of cheese ( I opted for pepper jack cheese), and a removal of any bun from the operation. I thought a side of ~ garden herb ranch~ to really ranch it up a notch might be a clever idea… mmm can you taste that xanthan gum!
First and foremost, I enjoy a quality Chick fil A sandwich just like the average Joe. I put my pants on one leg at a time, you know? And I don’t plan on this discouraging me from purchasing a delicious chicken egg and cheese biscuit in the future.
BUT THIS WAS A STRUGGLE.
First bite impression: pure grease.
Second bite impression: pure grease with a hint of…what is that, bacon?
Lather, rinse, repeat. I could feel the grease collecting on my lips, “When do yous guys wanna slide off onto his new pair of pants and ruin them?” they said in a not so discreet Brooklyn accent. Not today, suckas. I felt dirty and slightly ashamed while eating. Dirty like a ‘have to stop and use a gas station bathroom because I can’t hold it until I got home’. Through each bite I thought, ‘surely it gets better’. But it never did. The introduction of a pocket of cheese only served to add to growing discomfort in my stomach. The bacon must’ve had some odd additive because it had an almost plastic-like taste. I can’t help but feel like they could do a better job with the bacon. They absolutely nailed the chicken breasts though. Very juicy and well breaded. If I learned anything, it was that the unsung hero of a chicken sandwich is the bun.
***PRO TIP*** Have a cup of Zep® Commercial Heavy-Duty Citrus Degreaser on hand to cleanse your intestines immediately after eating.
Oh, do you remember that ranch I got on a whim? Yeah, well, it tasted terrible. Any more than one bite of it would have summoned an intestinal gas bubble so large that its expulsion would have blown a hole in my pants and potentially shook the earth off its axis. Maybe on a wrap it’s tasty, but not on this monstrosity. Interestingly enough, after I ate everything, I didn’t feel like I was close to death at any point. Only the slight swelling of fingers and lethargy. Should I be worried, or is that related to their food quality? Maybe I should be worried because before throwing away everything I ate all the bits of fried breast breading stuck in the corners of the bag. Oops.
Pros: The chicken breasts were of excellent quality. Sometimes Chick fil A can give you dry, gimpy breasts with lots of fat that causes you to be sad.
Cons: Waaaaaaay too greasy for me. It made me appreciate their buttered buns, however. The bacon was a let down as well.
Final Verdict: Don’t try to be Mr. Cool and get this just to show off to that cutie you’ve had your eye on. You’ll slink away, a greased stained slubberdegullion, smelling like a deep fryer from your local Chick fil A. Not worth the $9 you’ll likely pay for this.
McDonald's Surf n' Turf
The phrase ‘surf and turf’ typically conjures up images of succulent lobster tails and juicy marbled steaks. However, if you waltz into any one of the many golden arches scattered throughout the country and utter those three magical words, you’ll receive something truly confusing. Undeniably peculiar, these three words may open the doors to a palatial palate palooza. However, I decided to forsake the traditional approach of ordering it as one whole sandwich. Instead I announced, “I’d like a Big Mac and a Filet-o-Fish”. There was a momentary pause as the employee punched in my order. She finished and looked up, “Oh, the surf ‘n turf. I’ve never had, but me and my sister have always wanted to try it”. Well, KS #2 Side 1, this review is for you!
Rest assured that if you decide to eat this in public, you may elicit such memorable reactions such as: “You know that’s gotta come out of your body at some point, right?”. Have strength, my friend, and persevere. Because let me tell you, it’s surprisingly damn good.
After constructing the monstrosity by pulling off the top buns of each sandwich and slapping that Filet-o-Fish down on top of the burger patty, I attacked it with the enthusiasm of a bottom feeder feasting on a dirty aquarium wall; yum. What was it that I was tasting? Why did this taste good? There was no discernable flavor other than ‘good’. I felt burger and fish and lettuce and bun, but all I tasted was processed enjoyment. Every once in an unexpected explosion of secret sauce would hit me like a mine planted by a sapper during the siege of Vicksburg. Now, it’s worth noting that constructing the surf ‘n turf from two separate sandwiches, as opposed to ordering it preassembled, enlightens the eater with just the right amount of tartar sauce. And when that tartar sauce collides with the aforementioned flavor bomb… it’s like a cattle prod to the tastebuds. Surely this must explain why it tasted so good. Because beyond that, it’s an indistinguishable mass of beigey confusion.
***PRO TIP*** Take a few french fries and throw them on the discarded Filet-o-Fish buns for a little appetizer. It has the texture of wet trash and the taste of wet dog!
After a few dips I forced myself to stop eating. I could tell my body was becoming disgruntled. Delegates from my digestive system were meeting to discuss the possibility of a violent uprising. It was my duty to quell the resistance and pacify the people. I cleaned up. I walked away. I drank 24 oz water immediately. Thirty minutes later it was like I had a one beer buzz. My vision was, lets say, probably unfocused enough for me to fail a driving exam. I felt bloated and slow. My mouth was dry and a slight headache began to beset me. I was still, oddly, not full from all the food I ate. It would be another hour before I felt ‘normal’.
Pros: Surprisingly tasty for no apparent reason; not as much food as it looks (probably because of the amount of air in the ingredients). Only $8.
Cons: Could kill someone with high cholesterol or hypertension; unclear if ingredients were once actually living things.
Final Verdict: Keeping things in perspective, it tastes GOOD. Yet, the momentary flourish of taste is not worth the hour and a half of lethargy and swelling. Only do it to say you’ve done it. Maybe get blood work done beforehand as well.
7/10 Fiery Fieris
Not all food writers have Beards.