McDonald's Surf n' Turf

The phrase ‘surf and turf’ typically conjures up images of succulent lobster tails and juicy marbled steaks. However, if you waltz into any one of the many golden arches scattered throughout the country and utter those three magical words, you’ll receive something truly confusing. Undeniably peculiar, these three words may open the doors to a palatial palate palooza. However, I decided to forsake the traditional approach of ordering it as one whole sandwich. Instead I announced, “I’d like a Big Mac and a Filet-o-Fish”. There was a momentary pause as the employee punched in my order. She finished and looked up, “Oh, the surf ‘n turf. I’ve never had, but me and my sister have always wanted to try it”. Well, KS #2 Side 1, this review is for you!

Rest assured that if you decide to eat this in public, you may elicit such memorable reactions such as: “You know that’s gotta come out of your body at some point, right?”. Have strength, my friend, and persevere. Because let me tell you, it’s surprisingly damn good.

After constructing the monstrosity by pulling off the top buns of each sandwich and slapping that Filet-o-Fish down on top of the burger patty, I attacked it with the enthusiasm of a bottom feeder feasting on a dirty aquarium wall; yum. What was it that I was tasting? Why did this taste good? There was no discernable flavor other than ‘good’. I felt burger and fish and lettuce and bun, but all I tasted was processed enjoyment. Every once in an unexpected explosion of secret sauce would hit me like a mine planted by a sapper during the siege of Vicksburg. Now, it’s worth noting that constructing the surf ‘n turf from two separate sandwiches, as opposed to ordering it preassembled, enlightens the eater with just the right amount of tartar sauce. And when that tartar sauce collides with the aforementioned flavor bomb… it’s like a cattle prod to the tastebuds. Surely this must explain why it tasted so good. Because beyond that, it’s an indistinguishable mass of beigey confusion.

***PRO TIP*** Take a few french fries and throw them on the discarded Filet-o-Fish buns for a little appetizer. It has the texture of wet trash and the taste of wet dog!

After a few dips I forced myself to stop eating. I could tell my body was becoming disgruntled. Delegates from my digestive system were meeting to discuss the possibility of a violent uprising. It was my duty to quell the resistance and pacify the people. I cleaned up. I walked away. I drank 24 oz water immediately. Thirty minutes later it was like I had a one beer buzz. My vision was, lets say, probably unfocused enough for me to fail a driving exam. I felt bloated and slow. My mouth was dry and a slight headache began to beset me. I was still, oddly, not full from all the food I ate. It would be another hour before I felt ‘normal’.

Pros: Surprisingly tasty for no apparent reason; not as much food as it looks (probably because of the amount of air in the ingredients). Only $8.

Cons: Could kill someone with high cholesterol or hypertension; unclear if ingredients were once actually living things.

Final Verdict: Keeping things in perspective, it tastes GOOD. Yet, the momentary flourish of taste is not worth the hour and a half of lethargy and swelling. Only do it to say you’ve done it. Maybe get blood work done beforehand as well.

7/10 Fiery Fieris

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